In April 2015, my mom died in a car accident. It was horrible and if you can avoid it at all, I strongly recommend doing so. As I went through the process of planning her funeral, cleaning out her house and figuring out what my life was going to be like without her, I couldn’t help but notice that people really say some terrible things to you when bad things happen. An experience like this really gives one insight into the spectrum of people’s inability to cope with traumatic and awkward situations. Here is a brief introduction to the kinds of people you’re bound to encounter in your darkest moments.
1. Competitors at the Sad Olympics
Oh man, no matter what has happened to you, something so much worse has happened to them! Or to someone they know, or to someone they heard about, or to someone they vaguely scrolled by once on Facebook. These people never shut up.
2. The Feelings Police
Actual experts in psychology will tell you grief is complicated. But don’t tell that to people who are already dead inside! These are the people who will try to make you feel like a terrible person if you’re doing anything other than shopping for black veils or throwing yourself onto a coffin. Any coffin will do! Aren’t people supposed to be sad?
No one gets to tell you whether you’re grieving “correctly.” You’re allowed to have good and bad moments. You’re allowed to not cry when you don’t feel like crying. You’re allowed to be in shock. You’re allowed to feel everything. You’re allowed to feel nothing. You’re allowed to laugh at random stuff. You’re allowed to take a minute and not think about death at all.
(Lior Zaltzman)
3. Dismissers and Minimizers
Dismissers and Minimizers are incapable of emotional intimacy or sitting in discomfort, so they will try to shoehorn you back into “being normal” as quickly as possible. There is no platitude too empty or dumb for these folks. Here are a few of my least favourites:
“Time heals all wounds!”
“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”
“When a door closes a window opens.” (Doesn’t this mean someone is going to have to climb through a window to leave their present situation? Who wants to do that?)
These verbal acts serve only to get the speaker past their own feelings of powerlessness. People can be uncomfortable for two minutes and not die. It’s really not a big deal.
4. The “Well, At Least!” Brigade
Literally, any statement that starts with “Well, at least…” does not need to be said aloud. Ever. Just no. This applies to every context and every situation — every single crappy human experience that has ever or will ever exist. Don’t say it. But definitely not when someone has just experienced a major loss.
Empathy is not a finite resource. My only response to people who “remind” me there are starving children around the globe is, “you don’t seem like you’re doing much for them either.”
Side note: I totally “Well, at least…” myself all the time. “Well at least my mom didn’t suffer long”… “Well at least she had good insurance.” It’s fine for you to “Well, at least…” yourself once in a while. It’s part of rationalizing this radical loss you have experienced. But no one else gets to say that to you. For any reason.
5. Vultures
Another empathy-impaired sect who love to glom onto anyone else’s tragedy to perform their own, completely fake, humanity. These will be the people you barely know who are so aggrieved for you. At first you might think, “Oh no, maybe they lost someone in a similar way?” But upon further conversation, you realize… no, this is just Blanche DuBois’ing all over you.
These are the people keeping Nancy Grace in business. They love spectacle and celebrity tragedy and the weight of the entire world in tiny, bite-sized increments. If you’re feeling charitable you might say to yourself, “Here is a person living in a constant state of fear and anxiety that needs new information that meets them at the level their brain is already operating at.” Other times you might think, “Wow, this human troll is actually incapable of real human connection.”
6. Ennoblers
These people want to put you on a pedestal (or lock you in a suffocating glass box) and talk over you whenever things get too messy. They will use words like “brave” and “grace,” while shushing you.
You’ll see this one a lot around horrific acts of violence. Why do so many reporters ask someone who recently had a loved one murdered if they forgive the killer? Who is that for? Who is that serving? You don’t need to behave for anyone.
And by the way: Resilience is something you develop after a loss. Not what you have during the worst of it.
7. The Paying Audience
These people show up and expect you to perform! Your! Sadness! They will ask insanely probing questions or they want the really grisly details of your loved one’s death. They seem to have some sick need to watch you fall apart.
8. Happy Morons a.k.a., the “Huh, Did Something Happen?” contingen
Minimizers, vultures, happy morons, competitors at the Sad Olympics and other people you’re bound to encounter on your grief journey.
